Shy, Scared, and Alone
Transitions arise
Now full of passion and grace
She gains respect and confidence
Easy-loving - sure can be
Innocently walks the baby steps
Never does she forget to be open minded
By giving off a clean slate to the new-found companions
Although sometimes, it's her weakness
So much heart, so much to give
Loses herself; the walls she builds
Ends up not knowing what to believe
But pushes bad thoughts away
Continues on with that smiling face
Dances with what’s left of her happiness
Brings joy to whom enlighten her
Remembers to keep an open-mind
For anything that may be coming
Sometimes wrong but never ashamed
And can only live with what she’s faced
Taking step after step
Uncovering the journey that has yet to be found
Because every day’s a struggle
And in her life
This she is bound
Hey Kel!
ReplyDeletePersephone is one of my favorite myths :) It would make your poem a lot better if you added more of an allusion to you and persehpone's actual myth because Persehpone is a lot more than innocence. She has a deeper story that I think yuo could really relate to you :) Here's a link to a detailed version of her myth:
http://www.pantheon.org/articles/p/persephone.html
You also have powerful words in your poem (Shy, scared & alone). Although I did find it rather difficult to understand. Maybe some of the words were used wrong. For example I had a hard time understanding this phrase "Brings joy to whom enlighten her". Try adding some simpler phrases to tie in the more dramatic ones...
Anyway, good luck on revisions :)
Niks
hey kehhlss!
ReplyDeleteI really liked how this poem was very very "you". I dont really know your myth but I feel the strength in your poem. I think that you should make your last stanza stronger because the ending of your poem should have lots of "ooomph". (hahahahah!) Nevertheless, your poem is very well written and organized.
-Lexie
Hi Kelly,
ReplyDeleteThoughtful job on your poem. I think Niki has some very good comments for revision, especially the suggestion to add more allusive details to the poem. I'm not sure how she knew it was Persephone :) There should be reference to elements of the myth in the poem, elements that relate to your character. I think Alexis could have been more specific and detailed in her commentary.
mrs s