Vent Sesh (J#3)

What bugs me the most right now? Currently, the balancing of friendships. Its so hard to keep all my friends equally on top of news when I personally hate repeating myself. No way could all my closest friends be at one place at the same time. Breaking it down, two best friends go to Moanalua High School with me and another two go to other schools. Keeping confidential so let's call the ones that don't go to my school "Walter & Bernice." Also, to not get confused, let's call the two that go to my school "Niki & Alexis," haha :)

Its so easy to keep Niki & Alexis updated since they're right there when the news first comes. On the other hand, Walter & Bernice don't go to my school but they are my number one best friends. They'll always be first because they knew my past; the past that makes my present. Walter & Bernice have grown so distant since we seperated after middle school and into high school. Thats when I met Niki & Alexis. Being a teenager and facing "minor problems and situations," such as homework, school, boys, interests, etc., I need friends who could relate and "know" what I'm talking about instead of me trying to explain the single details that are vital to a story. Keeping Walter & Bernice on top of things became my main concern. Everytime I would have news it's a "snap" to my phone to tell them whats up. Being in seperate schools created a barrier to our communication. The walls of our schools became the walls to our friendship. Them being on seperate schedules and having their school terms interfere with being able to communicate withered away our strong friendship. Yes, I do still see them. Once a week we have confirmation class but we never talked the other 6 days that week. Knowing our strong friendship and how much each other meant, that is the lowest downgrade ever possible.

It hurts. It hurt all three of us but we did what we could only do to protect ourselves: shield ourselves from each other. Maybe that wasn't a good idea and maybe thats not the reason we became so far away but it still hurts the same amount. We've confronted each other & tried to make it work a bazillion times. I still believe we have a chance because I love them so much. Too much to ever just give up in an instant. Sometimes I feel like running away just to set a clear mind but I knew it could only make things worse. Frankly, I blame myself for being scared and not talking to them more about the solution rather than just the problem. I got too scared that I hid it. I trained myself to hide the things that bothered me the most from them. I just recently found out it was a mistake to have done that. Never would I have known that they were feeling the exact same thing and reacting the exact same way. Also, I felt guilty to have made best friends that I am so close with now because I feel like I pushed them away. I don't regret making friends with Niki & Alexis but I hate that it hurt Walter & Bernice.

Wrapping up, I want to be close again with Walter & Bernice again. Close enough that it doesn't feel awkward to be around them anymore or we're too afraid to dial 7 numbers & press the green button. I believe I will because I know them & I know me. We won't let each other get too far out of reach. This journal really makes me feel better and so much more uplifted. I feel rejuvenated and awakened. This has got me thinking and I know what my next steps towards this situation is now. Like Kasey says, "Venting is Healthy!"